Friday, November 16, 2007

Someday the light will come back right?

I know it has been a LONG time since I've updated, and some of you might have wondered where I've been, I just haven't been myself for a while now. Things are not what I had hoped they would be. I am working on that and am trying to get me back, and I just couldn't write, I just felt like I had nothing to say, that no one would want to read about me being down down down. I have tried to keep this blog happy and upbeat but lately I have been in a dark funk that I can't seem to get out of.

Then I realized that the reason I started this blog was for me, and it has helped in so many ways to get out my frustrations and release some of my inner tormoils, so I figured why not try and write again.

So much is happening, and not much of it is good. My ex has not given me any money in over 6 months and it is really starting to wear on me, see I was with DD for 5 years and in that time he has put me so far into debt that I had to move back in with my mom (I do pay her rent it isn't like she is supporting me I don't know why I have to state that, maybe because I don't want you to think I am a loser because that is how I have been feeling lately). Anyway, the deal that DD and I had was that he would help pay back some of the debt I incurred because of him, and for a while he was doing pretty well and now NOTHING, and I already work 2 jobs and am so tired, I just never feel like I am above water, I feel like I am drowning all the time. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it anymore, I have to just move forward, but it is so hard when I have no where to go.

I just wish he was a man of his word and not the person with empty promises all the damn time. How did I let myself be fooled for so long?

This time of year does not help with my mood either, from right after Halloween (my favorite holiday) to my birthday (which is in January) I get seasonal depression without a doubt I have it, the dark the cold, just all of it makes me sad. I tend to eat more (which doesn't help my weight) and all I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV. This is not a way to live, I have been going to therapy but I just don't voice it all, I have good days and I have bad days, but lately the bad seem to outway the good. I am tired all the time, I am sad all the time, and all I want to do is sleep ha but what is funny is that I haven't been sleeping, I have such bad inosmnia lately that I literally will sleep for an hour be up for 3, sleep 20 minutes up for 1. Which also is not helping my mood, so I'm cranky, tired, bored, and lonely. See why I haven't written in so long, who wants to hear about this, I write this and I'm disgusted with myself. I want to scream "GET OVER IT!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" But no matter how much I try I just can't seem to get out of my funk.

I have a doctors appointment next month with my oncologist and I'm going to talk to them about everything that I am feeling, I've talked to some people who have been through what I have (Cancer) and you know what a lot of them are on antidepressants, our bodies have gone through such a shock, our chemistry is different, our minds have been through so much that maybe it is time to be put on something (I don't want to be there are so many side effects and I already take so many pills as it is). But I am going to talk to them, I can't keep living like this. I need to find the light again, to feel happy, to wake up feeling refreshed, to want to live my life. I have always said, that life is too short to be miserable all the time and right now I am miserable.

See why I haven't posted who wants to hear about this, who wants to read this, I write for me but I also write for people to enjoy. But I'm going to get over this, I have to get over this, I have to be me again, I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a failure am I a failure? Will I ever meet a nice guy will I ever float on the water calmly instead of struggling to keep my head above?

I Want More...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I have a confession

They say the first step to recovery is admitting the problem, this isn't easy for me, and I didn't realize how bad it was until yesterday when I couldn't get my daily fix, I swear it just started out as a fun thing to do once in awhile, I never realized that first time would get me to where I was yesterday feelings anxiety and withdrawal from this.

I don't know if I can even say it out loud, no it is too hard, if I admit it does that mean I have to give it up, does that mean no more???


I said it, FREEDOM!!!!

I left my cell phone home yesterday, and Oh MY GAWD the withdrawal I felt for that little black and silver phone was horrible, I kept reaching for it, just to send out one little text, I need my texting I crave my texting, so I average about 2000 texts a month, is that bad? It all started when I got my 2nd job hostessing, I would stand up front for long periods of times with nothing to do, no one coming in to greet or sit, so I started to text message, well 8 months later, it is a full on addiction.

As I would reach for my phone last night I would get this feeling of dread and dispair all I wanted to do was check the time, to send out a text, to see if someone called, but it wasn't there, oh how I missed my cell phone. I even asked Terrence who has the same phone if I just could hold his for just a moment, that was when I realized I had a problem, starting to beg for a fix for a text, not a good sign I tell you.

When I got home it was sitting right where I left it, and oh how happy I was to see it, I checked and I had 4 missed calls and 7 missed texts (see I am loved). So now that I have admitted the problem, does this mean that I have to cut back on using my phone or can I just go back to being in denial? See how can you not love this phone, isn't it pretty?

I Want More...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Jet Skiing with Richard Simmons

I got this video emailed to me and I just had to post it, hope it works.

Richard Simmons on "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

I Want More...

So I finally did it

I asked him, "Do you like sushi?"

He replies, "No not really."

"Well do you like Japanese food?" I ask

"Yeah I love Japanese food."

"On Friday nights, a group of friends and myself, go to this great Japanese restaurant after work and hang out, I eat the sushi but they have all different kinds of entrees, would you like to come sometime?"

"Sure where is it?"

"Its not to far from here, off of Rt 16, we usually get a decent group a couple of guys a few girls, it is fun, we are trying to take over the bar."

"Really?" He smiles,

"Yeah its funny, I can give you a call with all of the details and let you know what time, sound good?"


I finally did it, I finally got the courage to ask this guy who I see all the time that I know from my neighborhood if he would like to join a few of us for Friday night Sushi/Japanese food. This guy is really quiet and I a little bit shy, so I haven't been able to read him at all when I see him, I can usually tell if a guy is interested or not, if there is any potential, but this one I just couldn't tell, but he is really nice and really cute, (and seems to have his shit together which is a HUGE thing for me). I've been wanting to ask him out for sometime now, but with my crazy schedule and not knowing if he would say yes, I didn't, but finally today I said SCREW IT and went for it.

I got his number and I will call him on Thursday to touch base, wish me luck.

I Want More...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Thursday Thirteen: 13 Great Dance Scenes in Movies

I haven't done a TT in a few weeks partly because I couldn't think of any good lists to write about and also because I just haven't been in the mood to write as much lately, but I'm trying to get out of my funk, and being that I went to the ballet last Friday and they showcased 14 different ballets, I came up with this weeks TT

Here are 13 great dance scenes from a variety of movies, these are just some of the ones that stick out in my mind, also these are from movies that I have seen, if I haven't seen the movie then I didn't list them. I'm sure I'll forget some and you might have a few that stick out in your mind so please do tell me your favorite ones in the comments below. I'll try to link a few more scenes from each movie just for fun. (I'm in a linking sort of mood).

1) Step Up - Final Dance Showcase
Channing Tatum (Tyler Gage) & Jenna Dewan (Nora)

Let's start out with a new movie, which most people probably haven't seen, partly because it is in the "teen movie" genre. But let me tell you the dance that Channing and Jenna do at the end of the movie is just awesome. These are two great young actors and dancers, that I hope to see in future movies (I know Channing is starting to make a name for himself YEAH!) I have a confession even though I'm in my well 30s I kind of love this movie and have a crush on Channing.

Here is another dance scene if you'd like.

2) Pulp Ficition
Uma Thurman (Mia Wallace) & John Travolta (Vincent Vega)

Ah yes the movie that brought back John Travolta's career, how could he not have at least one dance scene in this movie, that is what John is known for, of course you can't beat that he's dancing with the lovely Uma Thurman, but if we were to talk about my favorite part in this whole movie it would be when when Uma's character starts to OD on heroin and they have to give her an adrenaline shot, that scene just cracks me up, and as a bonus here's the link to that scene as well.

3) Singing in the Rain - Make Em Laugh
Donald O'Connor (Cosmo Brown)

Now this is one of my favorite classic movie, I love the music, the story, the dancing, I actually really enjoy the old classic musicals, they were made with such style and grace. There are so many dance scenes in this to choose from, but I think the one of Donald O'Connor dancing by himself trying to cheer up Gene Kelly (Don Lockwood) is the funniest, Donald O'Connor has such a talent with his dance moods they have called him the man whose "legs wouldn't quit". I'd like to see Britney try these moves ha-ha.

Here are a few other dance scenes from this movie as well.

4) The Full Monty - Final Strip Dance
Robert Carlyle (Gaz), Mark Addy (Dave), Steve Huison (Lomper), Tom Wilkinson (Gerald), Paul Barber (Horse), Hugo Speer (Guy).

I love this movie, about 6 guys from Sheffield, England who are out of work and trying to find a way to make some money, two friends stumble upon a Chippendales-like show and come up with the idea that they can do that too, but instead of just going down to go to the full monty (completely nude). It is a great movie about 6 regular men trying to figure out a way to help themselves and their families.

I love the final strip dance, from what I heard "the six leads did in fact perform a full-frontal strip-tease in front of 400 extras. Director Peter Cattaneo described it as "a one-take deal." Here is that final strip dance, (I've linked it as well because I was having problems with getting the video to play below).

free video hosting
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5) Fame - Lunch Scene
Irene Cara (Coco), Lee Curreri (Bruno), Gene Anthony Ray (Leroy)

When I was a kid I watched this movie and was convinced this was what high school was all about, I didn't realize that it was a "performance school" I really thought that was how high school was like, Here is one of my favorite scenes in the movie, lunch time dancing and singing.

Here is another dance scene from Fame.

6) Grease - Born to Hand Jive
The full cast of Grease

I can honestly say that most of us women have seen this movie many times and each time we watch it we fall in love with Danny all over again. We want to be Sandy (of course I always liked Rizzo the bad girl), and have our Danny. There are so many great songs and dance scenes in this movie it is hard to pick just one, but the Hand Jive dance competition has to be the most fun. (Plus I got to see Sha-na-na in concert when I was 5-6 years old).

Here are few more scenes from this great movie.

7) 13 Going on 30 - ThrillerJennifer Garner (Jenna Rink), Mark Ruffalo (Matt Flamhaff)

This movie is really cute, and we can all remember dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller, how many times did you practice those moves, and how many of us wish that we could go to a party and just start dancing the Thriller, ha-ha, oh you know you want to.

8) Footloose - Prom Dance Scene
Kevin Bacon (Ren), Lori Singer (Ariel), Chris Penn (Willard), Sarah Jessica Parker (Rusty)

I remember watching this movie and loving the music, and the dance scenes, but what made me laugh years later is that the ridiculousness of the final scene, these are kids that can dance all the latest dance moves including break dancing yet they grew up in a town where dance and music were forbidden, how did they know? Still fun to watch though.

And you can't forget Kevin Bacon's solo dance

9) Flashdance - Final Dance Scene The Audition
Jennifer Beals (Alex), Marine Jahan (Dance Double)

This movie was I think one of the first R rated movies I ever saw and I think I snuck watching it because I knew that I wasn't supposed to see it. There are some great dance scenes in this movie. It is unfortunate that the women who actually danced these was not recognized until years later.

Here are a couple more dance scenes.

10) Swing Kids
Robert Sean Leonard (Peter Muller), Christian Bale (Thomas Berger),

Talk about great music and great dance, I wish they still danced like this now, I know in the mid 90s swing dance came back for a while, wish I had tried it more then I did, I should have taken a few lessons. This movie is about a "close-knit group of young kids in Nazi Germany who listen to banned swing music from the US. Soon dancing and fun leads to more difficult choices as the Nazi's begin tightening the grip on Germany. Each member of the group is forced to face some tough choices about right, wrong, and survival."

11) Rocky Horror Picture Show - Time WarpRichard O'Brien (Riff Raff), Patricia Quinn (Magenta), Nell Campbell (Columbia)

The first time I ever heard about the Rocky Horror Picture Show was from the movie Fame, and then when I got a bit older a friend of mine told me that they still play it at certain movie theaters (midnight showings) and that it is a huge affair, with actual actors playing out the parts that are on the movie screen. This was one of my favorite things to do when I was a teenager, we'd go down to Mill Avenue in Arizona and have a great time at the RHPS.

Here is Tim Curry singing I'm Just a Sweet Transvestite.

12) Scent of a Woman - Tango
Al Pacino, (Lt. Col Frank Slade), Gabrielle Anwar (Donna)

This scene I chose for my mother, who absolutely loves the Tango (she wants to go to Argentina for her 60th birthday to the town where the Tango was born). So here's to you mom, enjoy it is a great scene.

13) Dirty Dancing - Final Dance
Patrick Swayze (Johnny), Jennifer Grey (Baby)

How could you think I'd forget Dirty Dancing, this whole movie has great dance scenes. The music, the dance, the story gosh when I was younger I watched this movie over and over again, now I just fast forward to the great dance scenes.

Dirty Dancing - The best video clips are here

Here are some other great dance scenes from this movie.

So there is my list, I chose a variety of different kinds of dancing in movies, sometimes a movie has many different songs and dances in it, and other times it is just there for fun. I know I skipped a few of the major ones like Saturday Night Fever (John Travolta was already on the list twice), or Shall We Dance, Save the Last Dance and many others, maybe I'll do a TT with 13 great musicals or dance movies to showcase those.

I Want More...

Monday, October 15, 2007

A Night at the Theater

This past Friday my mom and I went to the ballet, it was The Boston Ballet's Night of the Stars (A Gala Benefit Performance). This is the 2nd year that the Boston Ballet has put on this gala and this year was to celebrate the life of Cathryn S. Keith a woman who was a leader in assisting others, she was well known throughout Boston for her tireless dedication as a volunteer for the Boston Ballet and other institutions. The ballet showcased 14 different ballets from around the world and time. Everything from your traditional ballets all the way to what is now considered modern ballet (personally I like the traditional better then modern). I never realized how big the Boston Ballet and school were, at the end of the show they had all the dancers from the company and school on stage, from the child ballet dancers all the way up to the principle dancers, it was an astonishing sight to see.

*I will list the ballets they showcased below.

My appreciate and love for the theater started at a very young age when my mom took me to see Annie and Peter Pan when I was around 5-6 years old, both in Boston at the Wang Center (it was called something else back then). I remember watching as Annie tried to hide from Mrs Hannigan and Peter Pan flying through the air and up to where we were sitting, (Sandy Duncan played Peter Pan at that performance). My mom has always loved the theater and am so grateful that she introduced me to all that was magical at such a young age. Throughout the years mom and I have seen many performances, even while we lived in Arizona we tried to get to the theater (now that is an experience seeing people in jeans, cowboy hats and boots going to see Le Miserable is definitely different). I have been fortunate enough to see many plays, musicals and ballets, I have yet to see an Opera though a couple are coming here one being Madame Butterfly, one that I have always wanted to see, hopefully I'll be able to.

I think the best ballet I have ever saw was The Taming of the Shrew, it was beautiful, moving and hysterical, the way that Kate would walk around and sulk and resist Petrucchio was funny and what was amazing is to follow the story and watch it being performed with dance and expression and no dialogue is true talent. The audience was roaring and luckily for us they showcased this ballet as well on Friday night.

My favorite musical I would have to say was probably The Who's Tommy, what an awesome show that was, the music, the performers, the scenes, the songs, I remember going with this guy Dave to see it, and sitting on the edge of our seats the whole time. I wish that they would reprise this musical again, I'd see it in a heartbeat.

My favorite play would be The Graduate with Jason Biggs, Kathleen Turner and Alicia Silverstone, I saw this a few years ago with my mom and we had great seats, Kathleen Turner played Mrs Robinson and she was outstanding, the woman actually did a FULL FRONTAL in the scene where she tries to seduce Benjamin, in the movie Anne Bancroft is in a slip, I didn't expect to see ALL of Kathleen Turner but I did, and she is still just as beautiful as ever. I never realized how funny this play was, and to see it with such famous people was just a bonus.

I'm hoping this season that I can make a trip to New York City and see a show on Broadway, for all my years of going to different performances I have never seen one on Broadway. I'm hoping finally this spring to be able to do just that, I love New York in the spring and what a great trip that would be. I have a good friend that lives in New York so maybe I'll be able to see him as well.

Here is the list and description of all the ballets that were showcased on Friday night.

A Midsummer Nights Dream
World Premiere January 17, 1962, New York City Ballet

A Midsummer Night's Dream ballet compresses virtually all of Shakespeare's story into Act I; Act II celebrates the wedding of the lovers with a grand divertissement that is reminiscent of the great 19th-century classics.

World Premiere: April 12, 2007, Boston Ballet
Boston Ballet company member Heather Myers choreographed Found for the young artists of Boston Ballet II for Dance on the Top Floor. Heather’s first commission for the Company will receive its premiere as part of the March 6-9, 2008 repertory program, Next Generation.

The Fairy Doll
World Premiere: 1903, St. Petersburg
Dancing dolls were a popular 19th-century ballet conceit—think of the mechanical dolls in Act I of The Nutcracker and, of course, Coppélia. In this pantomime-divertissement, originally called Die Puppenfee, dolls spring to life and dance the night away in a toy shop, all under the supervision of the Fairy Doll. The libretto was adapted by various choreographers, including this one by Legat, as well as by Massine, whose La Boutique Fantasque dramatized the same story.

Etesian (excerpt)
World Premiere: March 16, 2006, Boston Ballet
The title of Helen Pickett’s first work for Boston Ballet refers to annually recurring phenomena, e.g., etesian winds are those that blow across the Mediterranean Sea each summer. This versatile artist trained at San Francisco Ballet and performed for over a decade with William Forsythe’s Ballet Frankfurt. A teacher and choreographer who employs Forsythe technique and improvisation, Helen is also an actress who appeared with New York’s cutting-edge Wooster Group for seven years. Her next commission for the Company will be part of the March 6-9, 2008 repertory program, Next Generation.

The Taming of the Shrew
World Premiere: March 16, 1969, Stuttgart Ballet
In bringing Shakespeare’s Kate and Petrucchio to the stage, Cranko displayed his signature ability to convert complex narrative to physical expression. He also demonstrated a rare gift for comedy in dance, as seen in this excerpt.

The Four Temperaments
World Premiere: November 20, 1946, Ballet Society
The music for this seminal work of modernism was commissioned from Hindemith by Balanchine. In the complete work, a formal theme is followed by four movements. Each section bears the title of one of the four natural characteristics or “humors” that, according to ancient theory, governed the human body.

La Sylphide
World Premiere: November 28, 1836, Copenhagen
August Bournonville’s choreography and distinctive style, born of his Royal Danish Ballet training and his exposure to the Romantic traditions of the Paris Opera Ballet, have endured for more than 150 years. In La Sylphide, a young Scotsman pursues an enchanting woodland sylph, eventually destroying her as well as his own chances for worldly happiness. The ballet epitomizes the Romantic fascination with supernatural tales and the foreign locales that are suggested by costume, décor, and folk-influenced character dances like the Act I Reel.

Flower Festival in Genzano
World Premiere: December 19, 1858, Copenhagen
In August of 2007, Boston Ballet II member Jeffrey Cirio and Boston Ballet School trainee Sylvia Deaton spent three weeks in Copenhagen, training with the Royal Danish Ballet School and Company as part of an exchange program with Boston Ballet. During their visit, these young artists were coached on this famous gala piece and other works by many of the finest interpreters of the Bournonville technique and style.

World Premiere: April 22, 2007
Boyko Dossev, from Sofia, Bulgaria, is a member of Boston Ballet’s corps. His inspiration for this piece, created for Dance on the Top Floor, was Company Soloist Misa Kuranaga. “The male represents her life, emotions, hopes, fears, all she wants to achieve, but he is not physically real,” says Dossev. “He exists because of her.”

Brake the Eyes(excerpt)
World Premiere: March 1, 2007, Boston Ballet
Resident choreographer Jorma Elo has received acclaim for his work in New York, Chicago and Europe in recent years, as well as here at Boston Ballet. In this most recent creation for the Company, he adds a sonic dimension to the sculptural style of movement that has become his trademark.

Le Cygne Noir (Black Swan)
World Premiere: 1986, Marseilles
Le Cygne Noir is a male solo from the full length ballet Ma Pavlova, created for Ballet Nationale de Marseilles-Roland Petit and dedicated to the principal dancer Dominique Khalfouni.

The Flames of Paris
World Premiere: Kirov Ballet (State Academic Theatre for Opera and Ballet), Leningrad, November 7, 1932
Very much a work of the Soviet era, The Flames of Paris is a full-length ballet depicting the proletarian struggles of the French Revolution. This selection from Act IV, a tour de force of technique, virtuosity, and bravura style, is frequently seen today as a gala performance piece. Herman Cornejo is a principal dancer with American Ballet Theatre.

World Premiere: January 4, 2001, New York City Ballet
Polyphonia, to date one of Christopher Wheeldon’s most frequently performed ballets, is considered a turning point in his career as a choreographer. This music-driven work, set to the rhythmically intricate and arresting piano works of Ligeti, is a clear tribute to Balanchinian neo-classicism.

Grand Pas Classique
World Premiere: November 12, 1949,
Grand pas, as a generic term, refers to a formally structured number that usually consists of entrances for the soloists and ensemble, followed by the couple’s adagio, individual solo variations, and a coda that includes the return of the corps de ballet.

Boston Ballet concludes this gala evening with a grand défilé or procession. In the tradition of the Paris Opera Ballet, the défilé is a hierarchical parade of dancers, from students through the each level of the company ranks and finally to the principals.

I Want More...

Friday, October 12, 2007

Girl Seeking Wealthy Man

If you are ever in wonder about the authenticity of an email you got the best place to go is this website basically tells you whether there is a family of alligators in the sewers of New York (false) or whether that Amber Alert is real (some are some aren't), they are really good at breaking down whatever it is you are looking for. I especially hate it when people just forward those emails that say, if you forward this to 10 people Bill Gates will send you a check for $10,000.00, or if you send this to 100 people that little boy in that remote island off that unknown coast will finally get the medical attention he needs for that rare disease none of can pronounce, will tell you what is true and what is not. I get a new urban legend each day to read about, some are weird, some are sad and some are really funny, take this one I read today.

This one is from an ad on Craig's List in the New York region, basically this "attractive" 25 year old girl wants to know why she can't find a guy that makes at least 500k a year, and I quote...

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate, classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm over reaching at all.

She goes on further to say exactly what she is looking for, now I am someone that doesn't take these sort of things too seriously but it did irk me a bit I also couldn't help but laugh at her ad because who is she to say she is beautiful, classy and articulate, right now none of those seem even remotely close but I digress. What really makes me laugh is the response she gets from a man who fits her qualifications.

He basically says that her proposition is a lousy business deal because all she has to offer is her looks and that over time her looks will probably fade where as his money will probably grow he goes on to say and I quote...

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold... hence the rub... marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "by you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease.

He too goes on further and it makes me think what was this girl expecting, someone say, oh you are so beautiful marry me? COME ON SERIOUSLY??

But what I think is the funniest part about this whole ad is what found out. it seems that the ad actually could have been real, they have the status as undetermined meaning they could not find conclusively that it is true or false but gives you what they did find. They even say that...

The Craigslist ad (which was posted to its New York boards) may have been on the up and up: in an 8 October 2007 New York Times article, a spokesperson for the online community said, "it does look as if the post was made sincerely." The anonymous poster has since removed her solicitation from Craigslist. goes on to say that gals seeking sugar daddies is not new, we all know this but what I didn't know (and here is why I had to write about this) is that there are two (yes count them 2) websites that are specifically catered to those looking for a rich man or woman to take care of them. Those two websites are Seeking Millionaire and Seeking Arrangements, this is where I just lost it, I was laughing uncontrollably in my little cube (to which my co-workers are now wondering what was in my morning drink). You know I went on these two websites to see what it was all about and no I did not sign up for it. Where was this website 10 years ago when I was 22 and so could have used a sugar daddy (I kid I kid I've always been too independent for that). You just have to go on and check them out, I never realized how many handsome rich men there were out there who so just wanted a young girl to spend their money. Damn I missed my calling I so could spend their money, oh well next life.

Here is the link for the full story on this ad Fool's Gold Digger (ENJOY)

I Want More...