Friday, November 16, 2007

Someday the light will come back right?

I know it has been a LONG time since I've updated, and some of you might have wondered where I've been, I just haven't been myself for a while now. Things are not what I had hoped they would be. I am working on that and am trying to get me back, and I just couldn't write, I just felt like I had nothing to say, that no one would want to read about me being down down down. I have tried to keep this blog happy and upbeat but lately I have been in a dark funk that I can't seem to get out of.

Then I realized that the reason I started this blog was for me, and it has helped in so many ways to get out my frustrations and release some of my inner tormoils, so I figured why not try and write again.

So much is happening, and not much of it is good. My ex has not given me any money in over 6 months and it is really starting to wear on me, see I was with DD for 5 years and in that time he has put me so far into debt that I had to move back in with my mom (I do pay her rent it isn't like she is supporting me I don't know why I have to state that, maybe because I don't want you to think I am a loser because that is how I have been feeling lately). Anyway, the deal that DD and I had was that he would help pay back some of the debt I incurred because of him, and for a while he was doing pretty well and now NOTHING, and I already work 2 jobs and am so tired, I just never feel like I am above water, I feel like I am drowning all the time. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it anymore, I have to just move forward, but it is so hard when I have no where to go.

I just wish he was a man of his word and not the person with empty promises all the damn time. How did I let myself be fooled for so long?

This time of year does not help with my mood either, from right after Halloween (my favorite holiday) to my birthday (which is in January) I get seasonal depression without a doubt I have it, the dark the cold, just all of it makes me sad. I tend to eat more (which doesn't help my weight) and all I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV. This is not a way to live, I have been going to therapy but I just don't voice it all, I have good days and I have bad days, but lately the bad seem to outway the good. I am tired all the time, I am sad all the time, and all I want to do is sleep ha but what is funny is that I haven't been sleeping, I have such bad inosmnia lately that I literally will sleep for an hour be up for 3, sleep 20 minutes up for 1. Which also is not helping my mood, so I'm cranky, tired, bored, and lonely. See why I haven't written in so long, who wants to hear about this, I write this and I'm disgusted with myself. I want to scream "GET OVER IT!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" But no matter how much I try I just can't seem to get out of my funk.

I have a doctors appointment next month with my oncologist and I'm going to talk to them about everything that I am feeling, I've talked to some people who have been through what I have (Cancer) and you know what a lot of them are on antidepressants, our bodies have gone through such a shock, our chemistry is different, our minds have been through so much that maybe it is time to be put on something (I don't want to be there are so many side effects and I already take so many pills as it is). But I am going to talk to them, I can't keep living like this. I need to find the light again, to feel happy, to wake up feeling refreshed, to want to live my life. I have always said, that life is too short to be miserable all the time and right now I am miserable.

See why I haven't posted who wants to hear about this, who wants to read this, I write for me but I also write for people to enjoy. But I'm going to get over this, I have to get over this, I have to be me again, I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a failure am I a failure? Will I ever meet a nice guy will I ever float on the water calmly instead of struggling to keep my head above?





13 Comments:

Carrie said...

I don't know why I read blogs. Do I read them to "enjoy" them? I do enjoy a lot of the stories I read. But then other times I read a post like this and I experience something else. Certainly not enjoyment, I guess. From reading blogs and reading the "less enjoyable" posts like this one, I feel less alone. I think alot of these blogs are about sharing a piece of yourself and your life with others of us out here. You say you are writing this blog for yourself, and you should. You should write about the good days AND the bad days because the rest of us out here have good and bad days and sharing that makes us all feel less alone. Also, sometimes someone who is a few steps closer to the light will read, and can offer a hand to help you take a few more steps yourself. It's natural for you to want people to enjoy your blog but know we don't always need to be entertained. We are also happy to just "listen" and offer some encouragement on the bad days. So...getting to that. You are not alone. Life sucks ass sometimes and I'm fighting to get back to the light too. It is a fight. We are fighting for our lives. I believe antidepressants are overprescribed, but not for those of us who KNOW we need them. And you don't have to take them forever, so run to the doctor. Stay in therapy. We are not weak just because we feel weak. It's okay to ask for help. We are not failures because we need help. We fail ourselves if we don't ask for it.

JazzBrown said...

You are most certainly not a failure. You are a suvivor and a fighter. Do not forget that. Its strange that I was thinking of you and wondering where you'd gone off to and this is what I found. We all have those dark periods and we all have some sort of jerk that keeps us from moving forward in the ways that we are capable of. Please remember that you are loved and that we are here to listen and offer support. I come her to read about you the good, funny, bad, and ugly (not that you are ugly ;))!

My Dad is a shrink and if I didn't have my own personal Dr. that I could harass, uh, I mean call... then I'd be on a rainbow of "solutions". There is nothing wrng with seeking help when we need it. It may only be a temporary situation that can help us get ourselves back.

You know where to find me. Keep writing, we miss you.

Cairde said...

I am glad you wrote about what has been going on. I have been feeling the same way, tired and needing something to change...especially me. I stopped writing for a bit because I felt I had nothing interesting and fun to talk about, but my blog is for me..my outlet. I am in a funk that I have been in many times before. It will pass, I certainly hope your's passes quickly as well. You are a fighter...don't forget that!

slackermommy said...

Hang in there honey. This time of year is hard on me too so I know what you are going through. Antidepressants are my savior. They don't completely take away my depression but it is certainly much more manageable. You may want to give it a try.

Please keep writing when you are going through difficult times.It is so cathartic and there are so many of us who don't want you to write only about the good times. We want all of you; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Sandra said...

Perk up honey, I LOVE YOU :)

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Sam Sotiropoulos said...

Yes, the light will come back! Don't despair, Melina, I know it sounds like a platitude but Nietzsche's dictum "What does not kill me makes me stronger" is true! It may take a little while for you to regroup and gather your energies so don't rush it, you've been through a lot already. But just keep that thought in the back of your mind and it will help along the path to the light.

If you're looking for something to do with yourself in the meantime, how about cooking up some Greek food? See my blog: Greek Food

Be Well,

Sam Sotiropoulos

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Kelly said...

Hey girl - no more blogging for you since '07? I just started. where are you!???

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